Tuesday, May 21, 2013

I know I need to, but...

I need to write more, but I never know what to say. I have so many thoughts running around through my head, and try as I might to organize them, I come up empty-handed. I have a diary, a Tumblr blog, a prayer journal, and this blog, and I still usually just describe myself through pictures. I am a very visual person, and I have always felt that I could let photos of things that I like "speak" for me. Maybe that's a reason why I get really anxious when I have to talk to other people, or that I forget words that I want to use in conversation even though I know a great deal of descriptive words. I always tell people that I can't speak very well (I stutter quite a bit, forget words, dyslexic talking, whathaveyou), but I can definitely reveal a lot more about myself through writing. On the contrary, I have a lot to say, but I don't know how to express my words in an effective way. Frustration overcomes me when speaking to other people, and at the same time my thoughts all weave together and leave me in a blubbering mess. Please tell me I am not the only one like this! I have had people interrupt me in mid-thought to tell a story of their own because I was too preoccupied on trying to say what was on my mind eloquently. That is one of the reasons why I am so quiet around people, and even when I do talk people can barely hear me. Another reason why I am quiet is because I like to listen to people speak more than I like to talk. Plus, I'm shy. I am the quiet observer that has much to say and strong convictions, but comes out sounding like an imbecile when she opens her mouth. Anyway... I have recently friends with a girl named Callie on Tumblr. She is so sweet and intelligent, and I love talking with her. She seems so interesting. I hope the friendship lasts, as I feel we have much in common and great potential. We can only speak through Tumblr for the time being, but that is okay. If you would like to visit her blog, it is called Lighthouse and Pinetrees. It's such a lovely little blog. For those of you who love nature, poetry, intellectual thinkers, and mellow photography, this is your girl! She has a lot to say as well. I actually found her blog when she started to follow another Tumblr blog of mine, Sophie and The White Rose. A little creep that I am, I am always interested in browsing other people's blogs that have at least a little something in common with me...especially if they're interested in an obsession of mine. More on that later. Anyway, I was looking through her blog, and her personal entries spoke to me. The way she sees and feels about things are very much like the way I do. Also, the calm atmosphere of her blog soothed me. I am going to end this entry today with a photo I took this past weekend of flowers and such. I hope you enjoy your day.

"Leave it to God. It is an astonishing thought. It can become a life-transforming thought … unclench the fists of your spirit and take it easy … What deadens us most to God’s presence within us, I think, is the inner dialogue that we are continuously engaged in with ourselves, the endless chatter of human thought. I suspect that there is nothing more crucial to true spiritual comfort … than being able from time to time to stop that chatter…"
Frederick Buechner


  1. Audrey, you are definitely not the only person like this. I'm exactly the same way when I'm with other people. I always thought that people were just ignoring me when I tried to talk to them or didn't care enough to listen. It definitely makes you frustrated, because you know what you are going to say, but when you try to explain it to other people, it just becomes all jumbled up. Often at times, you are left with a dark silence or someone moving on and telling a story to the crowd that makes them burst into happiness. And you wonder, why couldn't your words do that? I also find it easier to write than to speak. Writing is without interruptions, without the pressure of disappointing the individuals it is aimed at. It contains more truth than we realize at first. Still, I know some people who struggle with the opposite situation or some people who even struggle with both. I guess we just have to take things in stride with this. I'm beginning to learn how to express myself verbally, but the other part of this learning process to is learning not to care what people think about your words even when you are face to face to them. I'm glad we are not alone in this struggle. -Baylee

    1. I love that I can write, like you said, and not have a single interruption. I am the type of girl that speaks low and soft, and people hardly hear me. This in turn causes people to interrupt what I am saying because of the mere fact that they cannot hear me! It's so frustrating, and I know I could just speak up, but sometimes I get too loud when I try to speak up. It's like I can't even control the volume of my voice! Haha. You are so insightful, thank you!