If You Really Knew Me...

This is another idea I got from Secret Doors (I'm sorry I'm such a copy-cat). You have good ideas :)



If you really knew me, you would know that I'm scared of big dogs because of an incident that happened to my little cousin a few years back. My Dalmation Henry bit my little cousin (I think it was on accident) and broke his nose and tore his cheek up. Henry was put down.

If you really knew me, you would know that I have thousands of hopes and dreams that I wish I could accomplish. There's just too many.

If you really knew me, you would know how self-conscious I am. I always compare myself to others. I always feel as if everyone is superior to me.

If you really knew me, you would know how nervous I really am. I swear, I think I have an anxiety disorder. If I'm nervous enough, I start shaking or I go into an attack. Sometimes during these attacks I pull out my hair or I scratch my face. I roll up into a ball and cry.

If you really knew me, you would know that Chihuahuas and Boston Terriers are my favorite breeds of dogs.

If you really knew me, you would know that I once wanted to be a neurosurgeon. But I don't know anymore because I'm afraid it will get in the way of being the mother I want to be.

If you really knew me, you would know that if given the chance, I would probably win a French fry eating conests. I love French fries so much!

If you really knew me, you would know my deepest, darkest secret I have. Only one person knows about it, and I don't really plan on sharing it here.

If you really knew me, you would know I always contradict myself when thinking. It's extremely frustrating and I sometimes feel like going insane.

If you really knew me, you would know I have a strange obsession of insane asylums and mental disorders. It's just fascinating, all of it.

If you really knew me, you would know the detrimental things I have done to myself over the years. I do none of those things now, and I am actually trying to make my life more positive even though I do still get depressed from time to time.

If you really knew me, you would know that I love to write, and I almost never finish a working novel. I also write poetry.

If you really knew me, you would know that I had Hirschprung's Disease in the womb and had to be taken via C-Section to be flown in a helicopter to be operated on.

If you really knew me, you would know I was baptised Catholic. And during my baptism, I had this miracle "seizure" that basically cured me from the problems with Hirschprung's.

If you really knew me, you would know that I was a very outgoing child to the point I embarrased my parents :) Now, I'm not outgoing that much.

If you really knew me, you would know I think about anything and everything. I have my own philosophies and ideas.

If you really knew me, you would know I have a dream of coming up with a cure for epilepsy, and that I have even hypothesized on a possible cure.

If you really knew me, you would know that I am actually scared of horses. They are beautiful creatures, but they are so big! Also, male horses tend to bite my boyfriend's mom :O

If you really knew me, you would know that I still enjoy listening to B2K, NSync, Backstreet Boys, and Britney Spears because old music reminds me of my innocense and my childish happiness.

If you really knew me, you would know that I do care about people, I do care about my parents, I do care about everyone around me. I love people, but then I hate them at the same time because they can be so hurtful.

If you really knew me, you would know that I would probably be a very positive person and I love happiness. I love happiness so much, it makes me cry. But of course, actions are better than words...or thoughts...right?

If you really knew me, you would know that I hate the society of my generation. I think it's trashy and impersonal. I wish I lived in the 40s or the 60s.

If you really knew me, you would know that I look at other girls at the mall and get jealous (or envious?) easily. Hollister/Abercrombie looking chicks make me jealous.

If you really knew me, you would know that in spite of those "pretty" girls, I sometimes admire how different I am. I'm not skinny, but I am curvy, which I appreciate. I look at 1940s pin-up models and old feminine artwork and admire the women for their curves.

If you really knew me, you would know I want my own art room in my house. I want easels, a mannequin, paints, everything artistic in this room. I also want a balcony coming from this room so I can look out at the rolling hills and the sun. Maybe even see a Victorian house in the distance?

If you really knew me, you would know I have tried things and done things that I am not proud of, but I don't regret. We all have had a past and done things, right? We're only human...

If you really knew me, you would know that I have always wanted to be a cheerleader. I have tried out twice and didn't make it. Both times because I flunked the tryouts for being so nervous. I would just stop in mid-chant or cheer, when during the tryout week, I could do the whole thing really good! It makes me so mad :O

If you really knew me, you would know that I have a "Look Book of Beauty and Fashion". It's pink and has clippings from magazines that I read. I have thought about becoming an editor of a magazine before, or a fashion designer.

If you really knew me, you would know that I hate the word, "cunt". I find it extremely vulgar and distasteful. I also don't really like fuck, but I find myself saying it a lot. I also make up my own words for curse words. Fuck would be, "freakin' lunatic', or shit would be, 'shmonkey', or 'oh shoot a monkey'.

If you really knew me, you would know that...well, I've never really confessed this before...I carry the drawings of the cartoon characters I have created with me everywhere and I lay them out to look at them when I am alone. I am an only child, and I have always been a little lonely, but laying these pictures out make me feel happier and not so much alone. I consider them my friends. O.O I sound insane.

That was the finale. Please keep negative thoughts to yourself :)

This Post Got Me to Thinking...

A blog I follow, Secret Doors, made a very good evaluation of how I feel everyday. When you look in the mirror, what do you think of yourself? Do you think, "Ugh, I'm so ugly: I need to get a nose-job, or a chin-job, or even get your hair done?" I do. And apparently, so do others. I was honestly relieved to know that I wasn't the only one. It's a perceptual thing, I know.
Did you know that people with Anorexia Nervosa perceive themselves to look 20% larger than they really are? With the studies of psychologists, they have realized with tests that by taking an anorexic patient and letting them morph a photograph of themselves on how they see themselves, their body is 20% larger. Isn't that something? The way we look at ourselves is very perceptual...so how I see myself is not how others see me. But how do I get myself to "get" that?



I look at myself in the mirror every morning. This is what I think:
1) Ugh, look at my hair...people say my hair is beautiful, but...my roots are coming in, and my natural color is a light brunette, which everyone loves, but I hate it. To me, my hair looks oily. My bangs don't fall in the right places (to me). My hair is too short (to me).
2) My eyebrows don't curve enough. I wish I had curvier eyebrows.
3) I have a double-chin!! Really? A double-chin? Ugh...
4) My body is too big... Look at my thighs, my arms, my butt... (But then again, when I see women in the 1940s or in old artwork, I appreciate my body because it is curvy in that way).
5) My right eye-lid droops lower than my left, ugh... but it makes me unique, right?

So I can see the good and bad in all of the "wrong" places about me, but why can't I see the good everyday? In different situations and clothing, I feel different ways. When I'm with my mom (who had the same body as me and was considered very pretty), or my boyfriend, I feel beautiful. I feel different from everyone else in a positive way.
But when I'm around the "popular kids" or the other really pretty girls, I feel ugly.
It also depends on clothes, too. This bothers me because I want to try new things, but when I get into them, I think...no, I can't do this I'm too scared. So I end up in jeans and a tee-shirt. I want to overcome this.

Also, when I talked to my psychology teacher about the problems I had with this, I told her how I felt that "everyone stares at me and judges me." She told me that it was only in my head and that it wasn't reality. But why is it hard for me to get that through? I feel as if it is reality, you know?

Why does being a teenage girl have to be so complicated? :O

With the self-evaluation questions that Secret Doors posted, I will hopefully learn to overcome this negative outlook. I am not going to post the questions here, as they are hers and not mine.